Laura Wood of The Thinking Housewife wrote an interesting post on men who reject marriage. She quotes a reader and agrees with him that men who reject marriage and child-rearing are responsible for the coming social collapse.
I honestly believe she's got it backwards; men's caddish behavior is a symptom of the disease already infecting society, which is selfish pseudo-egalitarianism in the form of feminism. Women are -- and always have been -- the gatekeepers of sex. Most men will do whatever it takes to get sex. In previous generations, that meant learning a trade, being polite and courteous to the woman in question and her family, generally maintaining a good and honorable reputation, etc. These days, what women reward most is the aloof asshole who's just in it for the sex.
Men are fairly simple mechanical beings. If we find something enjoyable, we want more of it. If condition β needs to be satisfied to get enjoyable outcome X, men will fulfill condition β. If condition β ceases to be a requirement to attain outcome X in favor of condition α, men will instead work to satisfy condition α. It really is that simple.
Please do not think that I imply that men are off the hook for such behavior; pre- and extra-marital sex is objectively sinful, irregardless of the conditions of society. But it has become increasingly risky and difficult to do as St. Paul counseled those who cannot bear celibacy, one wonders if some of the gravity of the sin involved is mitigated, at least in cases where a man is actively struggling with regards to chastity.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Duty a woman oweth to her husband
Orwell's Picnic: Such duty as the subject owes the prince, Even such a woman oweth to her husband
It's good to know that there's a few women out there that still believe this. It's in the vast minority in the west, but there are still a few good women.
As I mentioned before, I tend to counsel good Catholic men to avoid marriage and to live a celibate life, because the deck is so far stacked against them that the odds are not worth it. Most will ignore my advice, and who can blame them? They are under an intense amount of social pressure from family, friends, and limp-wristed feminized clergy who counsel them to just find a "nice girl." If you must go down this route, know that though there are a handful of good women, like Ms. White, out there who understand what it is to be a woman, you should look for possible warning signs. Remember, you don't just want to pick a lady that's fun to spend time with -- that's how you pick a friend. The devout Catholic man wants to pick a good wife and mother. Here are a list of things to consider:
1) Has she lived a chaste life? If she's a convert or revert, has she at least been chaste for the majority of the time after she converted? This is an excellent indicator as to whether she will remain faithful. If she's had few or no sexual partners in the past, she's significantly less likely to stray or consider divorce. It means that she takes sex, and thus marriage, seriously, and is more likely to be willing to actually stick around after she gets bored with you.
2) Has she discerned religious life? What are her attitudes towards it? Could she see herself being happy as a sister in a convent? Does she understand the appeal to those who are called? This will tell you an awful lot about a woman.
3) Does she "latch on" to priests and seminarians, spending an inordinate amount of time with one or many of them, because they are "safe"? Big flag -- she may be the "conservative" Catholic version of a fag hag. She clearly lacks understanding as to the effect she has on men, and the near occasion of sin she may be putting them under. She will likely keep intimate male friendships even post marriage, and complain to them about your marital problems, even using them to compare you to. She likely has issues keeping female friendships.
4) Does she enjoy cooking? Does she do so well? Does she keep a clean house/apartment/dorm/etc.? If no to either, chances are that she will consider her wifely duties to be drudgery. She will, in turn, resent you, and make you miserable, because the toil you do in the office is really just a 8-12 hour party every day!
5) Does she spend a lot of time complaining about other people to you? Is she sensitive to the slightest bit of perceived rudeness from her family or friends? If so, she will surely complain about you to her friends, and in turn, all your friends will be aware of every little thing you do wrong.
6) Does she tell you things that her friends tell her in confidence? If so, she is simply unable to keep a secret, and your family matters will be known to all of your friends and family.
7) Does she let you end arguments, or must they always be on her terms? If so, this will get worse in marriage -- far worse. She will bludgeon you with endless argument until you run out of energy to disagree with her.
8) Does she mind her figure at all? Does she exercise, eat healthy, and try to look her best? It's not necessary that she looks like a supermodel, but she should at least put effort into her presentation. If not, this will get far, far worse in marriage, particularly when kids come along. When you are busy rearing kids, it's particularly hard to form good habits; best they already be there to begin with. Very few women are even biologically capable of keeping a semblance of their pre-childbirth body, nor should a husband hold themselves to that standard. Nevertheless, children should not be an excuse to gain 50+ lbs. and not do anything about it. She should not only strive to be healthy, but also to still be attractive to her husband.
9) Does she follow your lead? Does she allow you to lead in most things? If you are seriously discerning marriage with her or engaged, does she talk to you about major financial decisions? If so, how does she regard your advice? If she does not wish to live at least in spirit of deference to you, she will not magically become submissive and obedient in marriage. The priests at my parish counsel women who are in serious relationships that could end in marriage to practice obedience to her potential husband-to-be. If she cannot defer to you, it's better for the both of you to know that early, and move on.
10) What is her family like? Are her parents divorced? What is her relationship with her parents like? How well do you get along with her parents? Siblings? Aunts, uncles and cousins? Many people say that it's unfair to judge a woman by her family, because she cannot choose them. That's hogwash -- people are greatly affected by their relatives. If she comes from a dysfunctional family, chances are the family you form together will be dysfunctional as well. Also, you don't just marry the girl, you marry into her family.
11) Has she spent any significant time in counseling? Does she take anti-depressants or other mood-altering drugs? If she's spent a lot of time talking to shrinks, she's likely going to be screwed up and selfish. That's simply what shrinks do to people.
This is not an exhaustive list. I may add/change it in the future.
It's good to know that there's a few women out there that still believe this. It's in the vast minority in the west, but there are still a few good women.
As I mentioned before, I tend to counsel good Catholic men to avoid marriage and to live a celibate life, because the deck is so far stacked against them that the odds are not worth it. Most will ignore my advice, and who can blame them? They are under an intense amount of social pressure from family, friends, and limp-wristed feminized clergy who counsel them to just find a "nice girl." If you must go down this route, know that though there are a handful of good women, like Ms. White, out there who understand what it is to be a woman, you should look for possible warning signs. Remember, you don't just want to pick a lady that's fun to spend time with -- that's how you pick a friend. The devout Catholic man wants to pick a good wife and mother. Here are a list of things to consider:
1) Has she lived a chaste life? If she's a convert or revert, has she at least been chaste for the majority of the time after she converted? This is an excellent indicator as to whether she will remain faithful. If she's had few or no sexual partners in the past, she's significantly less likely to stray or consider divorce. It means that she takes sex, and thus marriage, seriously, and is more likely to be willing to actually stick around after she gets bored with you.
2) Has she discerned religious life? What are her attitudes towards it? Could she see herself being happy as a sister in a convent? Does she understand the appeal to those who are called? This will tell you an awful lot about a woman.
3) Does she "latch on" to priests and seminarians, spending an inordinate amount of time with one or many of them, because they are "safe"? Big flag -- she may be the "conservative" Catholic version of a fag hag. She clearly lacks understanding as to the effect she has on men, and the near occasion of sin she may be putting them under. She will likely keep intimate male friendships even post marriage, and complain to them about your marital problems, even using them to compare you to. She likely has issues keeping female friendships.
4) Does she enjoy cooking? Does she do so well? Does she keep a clean house/apartment/dorm/etc.? If no to either, chances are that she will consider her wifely duties to be drudgery. She will, in turn, resent you, and make you miserable, because the toil you do in the office is really just a 8-12 hour party every day!
5) Does she spend a lot of time complaining about other people to you? Is she sensitive to the slightest bit of perceived rudeness from her family or friends? If so, she will surely complain about you to her friends, and in turn, all your friends will be aware of every little thing you do wrong.
6) Does she tell you things that her friends tell her in confidence? If so, she is simply unable to keep a secret, and your family matters will be known to all of your friends and family.
7) Does she let you end arguments, or must they always be on her terms? If so, this will get worse in marriage -- far worse. She will bludgeon you with endless argument until you run out of energy to disagree with her.
8) Does she mind her figure at all? Does she exercise, eat healthy, and try to look her best? It's not necessary that she looks like a supermodel, but she should at least put effort into her presentation. If not, this will get far, far worse in marriage, particularly when kids come along. When you are busy rearing kids, it's particularly hard to form good habits; best they already be there to begin with. Very few women are even biologically capable of keeping a semblance of their pre-childbirth body, nor should a husband hold themselves to that standard. Nevertheless, children should not be an excuse to gain 50+ lbs. and not do anything about it. She should not only strive to be healthy, but also to still be attractive to her husband.
9) Does she follow your lead? Does she allow you to lead in most things? If you are seriously discerning marriage with her or engaged, does she talk to you about major financial decisions? If so, how does she regard your advice? If she does not wish to live at least in spirit of deference to you, she will not magically become submissive and obedient in marriage. The priests at my parish counsel women who are in serious relationships that could end in marriage to practice obedience to her potential husband-to-be. If she cannot defer to you, it's better for the both of you to know that early, and move on.
10) What is her family like? Are her parents divorced? What is her relationship with her parents like? How well do you get along with her parents? Siblings? Aunts, uncles and cousins? Many people say that it's unfair to judge a woman by her family, because she cannot choose them. That's hogwash -- people are greatly affected by their relatives. If she comes from a dysfunctional family, chances are the family you form together will be dysfunctional as well. Also, you don't just marry the girl, you marry into her family.
11) Has she spent any significant time in counseling? Does she take anti-depressants or other mood-altering drugs? If she's spent a lot of time talking to shrinks, she's likely going to be screwed up and selfish. That's simply what shrinks do to people.
This is not an exhaustive list. I may add/change it in the future.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Who I am
I am a middle-class, middle-aged, married, tradition-minded Catholic man who regrets, strongly, most of the life decisions he has made. I regret my sin, my cowardice, and my decision to marry. The cowardice I regret the most is resisting God's call to a celibate vocation.
I fully expect that I will be miserable for the rest of my life due to my decision to marry. This is despite the fact that I have beautiful young children and a fantastic and supportive family. I've done my wife, children, and myself a terrible disservice by rejecting God's call to the contemplative life and choosing a woman who is not fit to marry based on superficial similarities, taste, snobberies, and interests rather than traits that actually matter.
I spent the first few years of my marriage angry and bitter at my wife for her failings. More recently, I realized that this situation completely my fault, as all of these traits I loathe in her were there at the outset. I was not blinded by love or any such foolishness; I had the arrogance that I could somehow fix her, and that things would immediately get better once we married, since the difficulties and inconveniences of dating would be gone. My proposal to my wife was an exercise in pride, and God has and is justly punishing me for this sin. I accept this, and wish to embrace it, though I currently lack the strength.
And thus, in this sorrow, I hope to work towards my salvation. This blog will function as a means for mentally working through my trials, as I have little support elsewhere. I work entirely too many hours to meet with any sufficient priest regularly for spiritual direction, nor can I discuss any of this with my friends, as in conversation I lack the composure to discuss this rationally without detracting my wife. In written form I can edit myself, and censor the evils that would otherwise spew from my mouth.
As I wish to remain anonymous, I will withhold many details of the specific marital problems that my wife and I have. I do not wish to detract her publicly, nor disturb my children as they age.
A secondary aim of this blog will be to convince other young, pious, Catholic men not to marry, and instead remain celibate. For every Catholic woman out there that will make a fine wife, there are hundreds that are too poisoned by feminism to ever do so. The odds are not in men's favour, if their goal is to marry and raise a righteous, God-fearing family with traditional gender roles. That, coupled with the threat of divorce (the vast majority of which are initiated by women), make it too risky of a proposition in this day and age. It is better to spend a life able to give freely of time and talent to organizations within the Church who can best reach out to non-believers in the world that they might attain salvation. Whether this is to be done as a single man, priest, or religious is a matter for discernment, but marriage should be off the table for most men today.
For any reading this, I do not want your sympathy, for I deserve none. What I would most appreciate is prayers that I might persevere in faith, never giving in to despair or other sin. I know I will never be happy in this life; I act in solemn hope that I might in the next.
I fully expect that I will be miserable for the rest of my life due to my decision to marry. This is despite the fact that I have beautiful young children and a fantastic and supportive family. I've done my wife, children, and myself a terrible disservice by rejecting God's call to the contemplative life and choosing a woman who is not fit to marry based on superficial similarities, taste, snobberies, and interests rather than traits that actually matter.
I spent the first few years of my marriage angry and bitter at my wife for her failings. More recently, I realized that this situation completely my fault, as all of these traits I loathe in her were there at the outset. I was not blinded by love or any such foolishness; I had the arrogance that I could somehow fix her, and that things would immediately get better once we married, since the difficulties and inconveniences of dating would be gone. My proposal to my wife was an exercise in pride, and God has and is justly punishing me for this sin. I accept this, and wish to embrace it, though I currently lack the strength.
And thus, in this sorrow, I hope to work towards my salvation. This blog will function as a means for mentally working through my trials, as I have little support elsewhere. I work entirely too many hours to meet with any sufficient priest regularly for spiritual direction, nor can I discuss any of this with my friends, as in conversation I lack the composure to discuss this rationally without detracting my wife. In written form I can edit myself, and censor the evils that would otherwise spew from my mouth.
As I wish to remain anonymous, I will withhold many details of the specific marital problems that my wife and I have. I do not wish to detract her publicly, nor disturb my children as they age.
A secondary aim of this blog will be to convince other young, pious, Catholic men not to marry, and instead remain celibate. For every Catholic woman out there that will make a fine wife, there are hundreds that are too poisoned by feminism to ever do so. The odds are not in men's favour, if their goal is to marry and raise a righteous, God-fearing family with traditional gender roles. That, coupled with the threat of divorce (the vast majority of which are initiated by women), make it too risky of a proposition in this day and age. It is better to spend a life able to give freely of time and talent to organizations within the Church who can best reach out to non-believers in the world that they might attain salvation. Whether this is to be done as a single man, priest, or religious is a matter for discernment, but marriage should be off the table for most men today.
For any reading this, I do not want your sympathy, for I deserve none. What I would most appreciate is prayers that I might persevere in faith, never giving in to despair or other sin. I know I will never be happy in this life; I act in solemn hope that I might in the next.
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